The alcohol story I never thought I'd share 🍷

I want to be honest, the story I’m about to share isn’t one I’m jumping out of my seat to talk about... I’ve had a lot of resistance in doing so, but know this is the moment.

Not just for every woman who might see herself in these words, but because it's time to set this part of me free.

Alcohol was my biggest battle. For over 20 years it convinced me that I needed it to be liked, to be loved, to fit in, to belong, to connect, to be fun… to be enough. 

But all it did was take me away from everything I wanted to be.

No matter how hard I tried, no matter how many times I told myself, this time would be the last, I could never let go. 

Until one day I did. 

I was curled up in my bed, three days after my 38th birthday in Nashville. The room had finally stopped spinning, but my heart felt heavier than the hangover that just wouldn't lift.

That weekend was supposed to be different. I'd promised myself - just like I had a hundred times before - that this time I'd have control. This time I wouldn't let that first drink spiral into another blur of a weekend, another series of moments I couldn't quite remember, another plane ride home filled with guilt and regret.

But there I was again. Every tool I had, every boundary I'd set, every good intention I'd held - they all vanished the second I took that first sip.

What I didn't know then was that this weekend would become the beginning of my freedom story.

I've spent the last few weeks going through years of my journals, taking myself back to when I realized alcohol was no longer fun, that it was wrecking serious havoc on my spirit and my life.

Over the next four weeks, I'm sharing my story of how I transformed my biggest limit into my brightest light.  

Was it easy?  Absolutely not. Was it worth it? With every ounce of my soul. Yes. Nearly three years into my alcohol-free journey, and it's become my proudest achievement.

But the real magic?

It lives in the beginning - four months after losing my mom, when I hit rock bottom and decided I wanted a better life. Here's what I wrote:

• 8.22.16 “I have to finally give myself the chance to be my real self…I tend to self sabotage a lot & am having a hard time getting away from alcohol. I know this one substance is what has kept me from the life I’m meant to live. If I know this and know I don’t want it to ruin things anymore, how come I keep allowing it? I commit to working hard in finding out who I am supposed to be and who I truly am.”

6 years of knowing. Six years of that same question echoing in my heart. Six years of trying to be better… 6 years of trying to convince myself I could handle it, control it, manage it.

Looking in the mirror that day after Nashville, I saw two versions of myself: the woman I'd become, and the woman I knew I could be. The space between them? That's what I'm here to share.

This is a picture I took 9 days after my last drink, when I knew in my heart I was never going back…you can still see the puffiness in my face and sadness in my eyes, but inside?

My soul was doing cartwheels.

Part 2: What My Journals Revealed About Self-Sabotage

That wasn’t the only moment my journals brought back to life. As I went through them, a painful pattern emerged—year after year, the same whispers of knowing, the same self-shaming, the same question: "How could I let it happen… again?"

• 10.27.16 The peace and excitement I was feeling about life now has this constant ache of guilt and regret… Like I don’t deserve what I was working for anymore because I was so stupid to let this happen again. Why would I do that? See self-sabotage. I mean, how stupid can I be.
• 6.20.17 I’ve gotten into a slump. Doing my same ol' bad behaviors… I seriously drive myself crazy! Why can’t I just stop drinking if I know I can’t handle it or control it? It’s been on my mind so much and I can’t escape it. I truly know in my heart if I can quit, then my life will flourish.
• 4.10.18 I’ve made a commitment to just be better today… I’ll be damned if I spend another year writing in this journal about how awful I feel because I got drunk! I want to be a better coach. A better mom, a better daughter. A better girlfriend, and I want to be the best version of me.

Can you relate? That inner critic that beats us up for not being "stronger," for not saying no, for not being able to "just stop." That cycle of promise and disappointment, of knowing better but ending up back in the same place.

It’s not because we’re weak. It’s not because we don’t want it enough. Sometimes the hardest truth to accept is that we can’t think our way out of a pattern we’re living our way into.

• 2.16.20 I’ve realized that I’m really starting to not like alcohol. But it still has a hold on me. I think I am better off without it, but am I 100% ready? I want to find the strength to have a very difficult conversation. I know what it is I want in life and I want to be strong enough to go after it. To not let anything or anyone stop me. I know this is my time.

That journal entry became my turning point. I made the hardest decision of my life—leaving behind a relationship with someone I loved, the comfort of home, and the only way of living I had ever known.

With nothing but faith guiding me, I packed up a U-Haul and pointed it toward California—driving straight into an unknown future… praying with every mile that I was hearing my soul’s call correctly.

In this first episode of our 4-Part GLOW Freedom Series...

I share how this deep knowing became the foundation for my massive leap. Because sometimes the truth we've been avoiding isn't just holding us back - it's keeping us from becoming who we're meant to be.

I share the three awareness practices that finally helped me see the full picture:

• The Morning Mirror Moment
• Truth Triggers
• The Evening Check-In

If you’re feeling that pull, knowing that something needs to change—even if you’re not "100% ready"—this is your reminder: Awareness isn’t about being ready to change. It’s about being honest about where you are.

Next week, I’ll share the Liberation stage of the GLOW Freedom Method™—what happened after I crossed the California state line. But for now, I want you to know:

That whisper you’re hearing? That knowing that something needs to change? It’s not random. It’s your soul speaking. And it’s never wrong.

Sending all my love, 

Jess Suzanne 🦋 Founder, Kiss'd by Bliss

P.S. What's your heart trying to tell you? What's asking to be seen? Your awareness matters, and I'd love to hear it if you feel called to share. 💫