The morning that changed everything: A Journey to Freedom

That morning, I had to drink at 8 a.m. to make it through the day. And let me tell you – that moment shook me to my core. But it also marked the beginning of a transformation I never thought was possible.

Recently, I did something hard. I went back through my old photos, and honestly? It broke my heart. Looking at those pictures, seeing the pain in my eyes and the disconnection from who I really was… it hurt.

But you know what else I felt? Pride. Because that lost girl – no matter how far she wandered from her truth – got us here. And that’s pretty incredible.

Today, I want to share something I never thought I’d tell anyone. A story that lived in my shame for so long but ultimately led me to the light.

You see, I’ve learned that our darkest moments often become our greatest teachers. Sometimes, the stories we hide the most are the ones that can help light the way for others.

Maybe you’re there right now – living what looks like a perfect life on the outside while feeling completely lost on the inside. Crushing it at work, being the social butterfly everyone loves, yet hiding a part of yourself no one sees.

I know this dance intimately. Because this was my story.

On the surface, I had it all together – daily workouts, healthy eating, a great social circle, and I was even a health coach! All the ingredients for a "happy life."

But underneath? I was falling apart.

It took a girls’ weekend in Arizona to show me just how far I’d fallen.

The trip was supposed to be amazing – a fitness event with Jillian Michaels and the Tone It Up girls. Instead, it became the lowest point of my life. After a night of partying and barely any sleep, I woke up knowing there was only one way I could make it through the day: alcohol.

Standing in line to meet Jillian, I was terrified she’d smell the wine on my breath. I felt ashamed, disgusted, and trapped. On the plane ride home, I stared at my reflection in the window and asked myself: "Is this really who you want to be? Is this really how you want to show up in the world – hungover and smelling like yesterday’s bad choices?"

The thought of changing terrified me. How would I connect? Would people still like me? Would I still be... fun? It wasn’t just about giving up alcohol; it was about turning the page on my entire life.

Who would I be without a drink in my hand? My soul was begging me to find out.

Part 2: The Love Letter That Set Me Free

That embarrassing morning at the Jillian Michaels event was a breaking point, but it also became a breakthrough. After that weekend, something finally broke open inside me. I tried 90 days without alcohol and for the first time saw what was possible. Even though full freedom was 3 years away, I had touched a sparkle I couldn't unfeel… I began gradually letting go.

My heart started showing me I was meant for more and I decided to leave everything behind, to find myself in California.

I wish I would've known the answers were always inside of me, not in the external approval, I was seeking.

Today, I want to share what could be the most impactful revelation on my path.

What if I told you that many of our adult decisions – especially the ones that don't serve our highest good – are actually being made by a five-year-old version of us?

You see, I used to think my struggle with alcohol was about connection, about unwinding, about "deserving" a break. But when I finally got brave enough to look deeper, I saw the truth.

My little girl heart was carrying an old wound of feeling left out, rejected, not quite enough. And that unconscious pain? It was secretly running my entire adult life.

May 18, 2021, I wrote in my journal:
"I thought I was just drinking to find connection, but I believe I really started drinking because I was craving love from my mom. I saw her loving others while drinking and got the idea that for me to feel love, I had to drink too. I believed I wasn’t good enough as I was. That the only way to be loved was through alcohol. And once I started drinking, I didn’t want to stop. Like it was a magic spell I didn’t want to wear off, because then I’d go back to feeling like I wasn’t enough."

Every time I reached for a drink, I realized I wasn't just doing it to connect or have fun, I was doing it to feed an inner emptiness that was asking for more love.

You see, between birth and age seven, we develop beliefs and patterns designed to keep us safe and help us feel loved. While these patterns protected us then, they often become the very limitations holding us back today.

Think about it:

• Those cravings we can't explain
• The relationships that keep falling apart
• The goals we never quite reach
• That glass of wine we "need" to unwind

They might all stem from the same root: an early emotional scar formed when we were too young to even remember.

The deeper I went into this realization, something inside me clicked:

"At our core, we're not broken. We're not damaged. We're not unworthy. We are pure love seeking to remember itself."

Every limitation, every struggle, every pattern is just our "little self's" attempt to find their way back to love.

This truth became even clearer when I wrote this entry (just three months before I found freedom for good)

January 6, 2022, I wrote another journal entry:
"I'm beginning to realize that the root of my problem is feeling unloved, unwanted or not enough and the antidote to this is self love. When we feel unloved or abandoned or unseen, it creates an inner conflict within us that lashes out, and makes the child in us have temper tantrums…which creates self sabotage. At our core, we are all pure love. When we push love away, or feel unloved by others, it opens up a gateway for fear, anger, resentment and even hate to flood in. But when we return to love and when we spread love, we begin to fall into harmony with who we really are. Love is how we change our life."

This realization didn’t just help me transform my relationship with alcohol – it helped me transform my relationship with myself.

Today, in this week’s episode of our 4-Part G.L.O.W. Freedom Series, I’m sharing a powerful mini-meditation to help you connect with and heal your younger self. It’s the same practice that helped me finally set myself free. Click the image below to watch the full episode.

Here’s the truth: Your limitations are not your identity. They’re the roadmap leading you back to your deepest healing, your truest power, and your most authentic self.

If you’re in that uncomfortable space right now – wanting to change but feeling stuck in the safety net of what you know – hear this: You’re exactly where you need to be. This discomfort isn’t your enemy. It’s your invitation to something better.

You’ve got this. And I’m here, cheering you on every step of the way.

Sending all my love,

Jess Suzanne 🦋 Founder, Kiss'd by Bliss