Hey beautiful friend ~
On Tuesday, I promised to share what happened after that embarrassing morning at the Jillian Michaels event- how our darkest moments often lead us to the light.
After that weekend, something finally broke open inside me. I tried 90 days without alcohol and for the first time saw what was possible. Even though full freedom was 3 years away, I had touched a sparkle I couldn't unfeel… I began gradually letting go.
My heart started showing me I was meant for more and I decided to leave everything behind, to find myself in California.
I wish I would've known the answers were always inside of me, not in the external approval, I was seeking.
What if I told you that many of our adult decisions – especially the ones that don't serve our highest good – are actually being made by a five-year-old version of us?
You see, I used to think my struggle with alcohol was about connection, about unwinding, about "deserving" a break. But when I finally got brave enough to look deeper, I saw the truth.
My little girl heart was carrying an old wound of feeling left out, rejected, not quite enough. And that unconscious pain? It was secretly running my entire adult life.
May 18, 2021 I wrote:
"I thought I was just drinking to find connection, but I believe I really started drinking because I was craving love from my mom. I saw her loving others while drinking and got the idea that for me to feel love I had to drink also. That I wasn't good enough as me, because if I was then she would be with me, not them. I got the idea in my head that the way to receive love from others was through alcohol. So I began drinking to belong and be loved. Then once I started drinking, I didn't want to stop. Like it was some magic spell that I didn't want to wear off because then I would go back to being not enough."
Every time I reached for a drink, I realized I wasn't just doing it to connect or have fun, I was doing it to feed an inner emptiness that was asking for more love.
You see, between birth and age seven, we develop beliefs and patterns designed to keep us safe and help us feel loved. While these patterns protected us then, they often become the very limitations holding us back today.
Think about it:
- Those cravings we can't explain
- The relationships that keep falling apart
- The goals we never quite reach
- That glass of wine we "need" to unwind
They might all stem from the same root: an early emotional scar formed when we were too young to even remember.
The deeper I went into this realization, something inside me clicked:
At our core, we're not broken. We're not damaged. We're not unworthy. We are pure love seeking to remember itself.
Every limitation, every struggle, every pattern is just our "little self's" attempt to find their way back to love.
This truth became even clearer when I wrote this entry (just three months before I found freedom for good)
January 6, 2022:
I'm beginning to realize that the root of my problem is feeling unloved, unwanted or not enough and the antidote to this is self love. When we feel unloved or abandoned or unseen, it creates an inner conflict within us that lashes out, and makes the child in us have temper tantrums…which creates self sabotage.
At our core, we are all pure love. When we push love away, or feel unloved by others, it opens up a gateway for fear, anger, resentment and even hate to flood in. But when we return to love and when we spread love, we begin to fall into harmony with who we really are. Love is how we change our life.
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Watch Episode 2: I Used Alcohol to Cope...Until THIS Changed Everything
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Your limitations aren't your identity. They're pointing you toward your deepest healing, your truest power, and your most authentic self.
All my love,
Jessica
P.S. The meditation at the end of this episode guides you through exactly what I learned to do – connecting with and healing that younger version of yourself who's still calling the shots.
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